KEMPT
by Objectingwarriorcat
Summary: A talk show with Kay, Ema, Maya, Pearl, and Trucy. Come join the insanity!
1. Chapter 1

KEMPT  
>AN Well this is a talk show and the hosts are Kay, Ema, Maya, Pearl and Trucy. This is a crackfic that is kind of like FLOB for the Warriors Cats fandom. Each person is represented by the first letter of their name. Keep in mind CRACKFIC. Alright, disregard any respect you have for me before reading

E- Hello everyone welcome to-

K- Whoa whoa why the heck do you get a crown.

E- *touches crown on head* Cuz Klavier got it for me.

T- Then why would you wear it?

E- He was gonna fire me.

T- ... Well everyone welcome our guest Morgan Fey!

M- *Opens beer*

P- Yay! Mommy!

Morgan- *walking in* Shut the HOLD IT! up Pearl. Didn't I disown you?

P- I don't know I haven't seen you in 6 HOLD IT! months. You HOLD IT!

Morgan- Where did you learn that language!

P- From you.

Morgan-…

M- I can feel the family bonding already.

Morgan- Aren't you supposed to be dead!

M- Umm no? Don't you remember your plan failed?

T- Ya Mystic Elise channeled Dahlia so Pearls couldn't.

P- Actually Godot and Mystic Elise just got me high and took me to a night club.

T- …

M- *sips beer* …

P-...

K-…

E-…

Morgan-…

T- …

M- *sips beer* …

P-...

K-…

E-…

Morgan-…

M- *sips beer* …

T- …

M- *sips beer* …

K-… So while our ID's got rejected at all the clubs a HOLD IT! 9 year old got in ?

Morgan-…

P-…

M-… *opens new beer can*

M- Well so much for a family reunion.

T- Told you it wouldn't work.

Morgan- Well while we're on the topic of confessions, you should know Dahlia's not my real daughter.

T- Seriously?

Morgan- Oh HOLD IT! no she's just some random girl who owed me because I got her plastic surgery.

K- You mean that's not her real face!

Morgan- *scoffs* no way she was just a ginger who was trying to get her face made over so she could hide from her stalker boyfriend. She was looking for a picture of some famous person but instead found a black n' white picture of Iris.

M-*drinks beer* Oh, that explains a lot. Like why they both look nothing like Pearly.

T- Wait you're drunk!

M- DUHH! I mean how else do you think I survived all that Spirit Medium HOLD IT! and working for Nick?

Morgan- For once she's right I mean even though I have no spiritual powers I still needed to be drunk 24/7 to put up with the spirit crap.

M- The screwed up old hag is right.

P- Oh HOLD IT!

T- What is it Pearls?

P- I realized that when I become an old hag I'm gonna look like that.

Morgan- Old! No I started looking like this when I was 10.

P- … I'm screwed

M- * sips beer* yep.

E-*grabs bottle of Luminol* Don't worry we can solve this with SCIENCE!

K- Umm No we can't.

T- Yep we have to use *pulls out * MAGIC!

K- Umm No we don't.

E- You use SCIENCE.

T- MAGIC

E-SCIENCE

T- MAGIC

E-SCIENCE

T- MAGIC

P- Hello! Future ugliness problem here.

M- Just wear a mask like Godot.

P- Why the HOLD IT! would I want a mask.

Godot- *randomly pops up* because I'm shmexy sexy. *randomly pops away*

P- o.O'

E- He's got a point.

K- Not really. I mean Mr. Edgeworth is way sexier than him.

E- Amen sista! Although Klavier...

P- Hey I need help here!

M- Yes you do honey however unfortunately I'm not certified in psychology.

T- But I'm sure you need to go see someone who is once a week.

M- HOLD IT! you.

T- Thank you right back at ya.

Morgan- Well if we're all done here I have to go back to corrupting the youth of America.

K- Oh ok then... bye!

A/N Well what do you think? Like it? Hate it? Pressing that little button makes my day. Reviewing also gets you a plushie of Dahlia before plastic surgery…


	2. Redd White

KEMPT chapter 2 

**A/N Yes this kind of OOCish. Okay VERY OOCish. Let's just say it's because they're all drunk or somthing. Also thanks to Kittycaty0328, Ivyclanmoonblossom, and The 37th Drummer for reviewing Ch. 1 of KEMPT. You all get a plushie of Dahlia before plastic surgery.**

M- Hi everyone and welcome to KEMPT! Yay!

E- *cough* cheerleader.

M- Hell ya you emo HOLD IT!

E-...

P- Language

T- Hey we have a guest coming in 5 minutes.

K- I'll get the tazer!

*Five minutes later*

K- Hello everyone welcome to another episode of-

E- How come you get to start the show?

K- Cuz I'm the only one hot enough to make out with Mr. Edgeworth.

T- Burn!

E- You WHAT!

K- Yep, so suck on that HOLD IT!

E- You wanna go? Let's go.

K- Sorry can't. Tonight's Edgey and my anniversary!

M-*singsong voice* someone's gonna get lucky!

K- HOLD IT! Ya!

E- HOLD IT! HOLD IT! You little HOLD IT! ********** ***

T- Anger management problems.

M- Ya we have a child here!

E- ************ ***** ******* ****** *******. ******* ****** *********** ******** *******.

P- Hi! And welcome to KEMPT!

T- Today's special guest is here!

M- So, hide all your gay ties for... Redd White!

K- Oh HOLD IT! I'm leaving. *leaves*

Redd- * Walking in wearing just a towel and his gay tie.* (I don't hate Gay people Redd White just has ISSUES!) Oh Gant Gant sweetie? I'm done with my shower.  
>Oh god where is that man ? Oh pudding how embarrassing! Where on earth am I?<p>

M- *opens beer* o.O^

P- O.o'

E- o.o

T-…

Redd- * sits in neon pink tie-dye chair* Why hellooooo there!

M-*chugs beer* Ummmmm hello?

E- So Redd um how's er life?

Redd- It's fabularrible

P- What?

Redd- Fabularrible. You know a mix of fabumus and badarrible. (Wow, Redd likes making up words I guess...)

M- Erm Okay?

Redd- Let me use it in a sentence. Killing Mia Fey was Fabularrible... Wait Maya Gilligan Fey what are doing with that tazer?

* One completely violent tazing later*

Redd- MY BUTT MY BUTT. MY GANT MAKING OUT WITH BUTT!

M- *calmly sips beer* Sorry I was going for the heart to kill you but you know accidents happen.

Redd- Well I must go Gant and I need to go swimming... * insert perv wink here*

P- Oooohhh I like swimming! Can I go? Can I ? Can I ?

M- uhhhh no. No Pearly it's not that kind...

P- What kind is it then?

M- *Downs remaining beer* It's Ummmmm... Wow this is hard for someone who hasn't had "The Talk" yet.

T- You know Redd's being a bad influence.

K-* Walking in* What's up Bluecorp HOLD IT!

Redd- Oh ****** ******** ***** it's the Yatagarasu.

K- You know it! Got any "truth" you need stealing?

Redd- *frowns* After you completely wiped us out of info while I was in jail. No, no I don't.

K- Well, if the freaky polka-dotted gay tie fits...

Redd- Oh that does it *grabs pillow*

K- A PILLOW FIGHT? Seriously?

Redd- *pulls out pistol* How would you like to die? *Eats M+M* *chokes on M+M* * Dies*

K- Oh HOLD IT! a dead body. I can't go to jail!

E- I'm not taking it. I can't I'm a detective!

M- No way I can't go to jail AGAIN!

P- I don't even know what to do with a corpse.

T- Heck no daddy and Polly would notice.

Gant- *Walks in and takes corpse* * Leaves*

Everyone- O.o"

M- Well I'm gonna get the crap out of here before Redd realizes he dropped one of his gay ties...

T- Me too.

K- *smiles* Ya I've gotta swing by Victorias Secret before Edgey and I have our "date".

E- ****** ******** ***** *****.

**A/N Well that's it for this episode of KEMPT. I'm very sleep-deprived when writing this so I'm sorry if it's not that funny. Also I just saw the SERIES finale of my favorite show Chuck and Im sad the series over. Review to get an unconscious Redd White plushie.**

**Bye!**

**Objectingwarriorcat**


	3. Chapter 25

**KEMPT Ch. 2.5******

**A/N Hello everyone! It's me Objectingwarrior! I want to recommend Ace Idiot and Abridged Attorney. They are HILARIOUS look them up on YouTube! Special thank yous' to my reviewerKittycaty0328 you get an unconscious Redd White plushie! OK heeerers KEMPT!******

**Disclaimer: No people I don't own Ace Attorney or Dane Cook, or anything else in this episode. At least not yet... *laughs***

* The camera turns on showing Kay, Ema, Maya, and Trucy sitting on rainbow colored beanbags.*

K-Hello everyone this is an EXTRA SPECIAL episode of KEMPT! Why you may ask. Well it's because we been punished for "killing" Redd White *cough* are_we_sure_that's_a_bad_thing? *cough* so we all have to teach anyone who watches this show about Ancient Egypt.

T- Why Egypt?

K- I really don't know.

M- I think it's because the Judge was listening to that song Walk Like an Egyptian.

E-...

T- Sometimes I worry about that man.

K- We all do.

P- *walks in* Here's the Egyptian lesson.

T- Who are we talking about?

P- Some queen named Queen Hatshepsut.

E- Who?

P- Hatshepsut.

E- Gasuntite.

K- WTF who says that?

Dane Cook- *walks in* I say God bless you by the way. I don't say bless you because I'm not the Lord. I'm just a messenger for big guns upstairs... I don't say Gasuntite because that sounds like I'm honoring Hitler ya know? Like I should be all GASUNTITE! Like I would end up on the history channel just because some guy sneezed.*Winks at K, E, M, and T.* *Walks away*

K- Ladies And Gentlemen Dane Cook! *cheers*

T- RANDOM!

P- Anyway Queen Hatshepsut married her half brother Thutmose ll. Then he died leaving her step-son Thutmose ||| as Pharaoh. Arguing that he was too young Hatshepsut took over as Pharaoh. She dressed as a man and built beautiful monuments. Well Thutmose ||| got really mad and wanted to take over as Pharaoh. Around this time Hatshepsut "disappeared mysteriously", leaves Thutmose 3 as the Pharaoh. He was so mad at her he had most of her beautiful monuments destroyed.

K-...

E-...

M-...

T-...

*This scene has been cut out do to extreme LOLing and laughing everyone's heads off*

K- *laugh* Oh *laugh* wow *laugh* that's *laughs* just *laughs* so *laughs* ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

E- Oh *laugh* my *laugh* gosh! You're *laughs* so *laughs*

M- How * laughs* is *laughs* it *laughs* possible *laughs* we're *laughs* related? *laughs*

T- For *laughs* real *laughs* that *laughs* is *laughs* too *laughs* funny *laughs so hard she cries*

T- *Pulls out Bacon and Eggs* Anyone want some B n E?

K- *Pulls out shades* Yeah guys, wanna do a B/E?

P- What's a B/E?

Dane Cook- *Walks up stairs that magically appear* Yes, I know it sounds like Bacon and Eggs. Now I know half you guys out there don't know wha is and I will tell you. It is BREAKING AND ENTERING! I don't want to do Bacon and Eggs although that's HOLD IT! delicious. *Walks out*

K- Ladies and Gentlemen Dane Cook! Again! *cheers again*

M- Yes yes we know but we forgot to have a guest on this show.

T- That's true... *pushes button that appears randomly that makes Apollo pop up*

K-* pulling out mallet* anybody want to play whack-A-Polly?

*One violent game of whack-A-Polly later*

Trucy- *panting* Wow * pant* *pant* that *pant* *pant* was * pant* fun.

*Nods from other hostesses*

Apollo- *lying in floor, almost unconscious* 

**Review**


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